3 Inauthentic Behaviors to Avoid in Early Relationships (I learned the hard way…)

Starting a new relationship can surely be an exciting and transformative experience, but there are certain behaviors that are important to avoid in early relationships in order to set a good foundation.

Establishing a foundation of authenticity and mutual respect from the beginning sets a relationship up for long-term success. Of course – like any aspect of relationship-building – I’d like to point out you don’t have to be perfect.

And for full transparency, I’m writing this blog post after reflecting on certain things my husband and I did quite POORLY early on in our relationship. Fortunately, we noticed these behaviors and took intentional steps to address them.

Three Behaviors to Avoid in Early Relationships

Why learn the hard way when you can learn from our mistakes instead? Without further ado, here are three specific behaviors to avoid in early stages of a relationship.

1. Neglecting Self-Awareness for Partner Understanding

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It’s natural to want to deeply understand your partner, but neglecting self-awareness can lead to imbalanced dynamics. But while you’re striving to connect with someone else, it’s essential to continue understanding and appreciating your own needs, boundaries, and values. By prioritizing self-understanding, you bring a more authentic self to the relationship.

What We Did…

The early stages of our relationship was thrilling. All we wanted to do was learn everything about each other. We dove deep into understanding each other’s likes, dislikes, worries, fears, desires, regrets, and passions.

While this was great, I reached a point, maybe around the one or two-year mark, where I started feeling anxious, self-conscious, and even agitated by small things my partner was doing.

It eventually dawned on me that before we started dating, I was very in tune with myself, interested in my own growth, and aware of my evolving interests.

Then, as we started dating, all that energy shifted toward him, and I forgot about continuing to learn about myself.

I had a good sense of self before entering the relationship, but hey, us humans change a lot! There’s always more to learn and connect with in ourselves.

What To Do Instead…

Once I started reconnecting with who I was, what I felt, and what I wanted, my self-consciousness faded. I was able to re-establish boundaries in the relationship, which led to less agitation.

So, while the early stages are fun and full of discovery about the other person, it’s crucial not to neglect the ongoing self-learning and self-reflection needed to stay aligned with yourself.

2. Making Assumptions Instead of Communicating

aubrey plaza GIF by Team Coco

While it’s important to be considerate and empathetic, trying to predict your partner’s thoughts and feelings can be counterproductive. This often leads to misunderstandings and unnecessary stress. Instead, it’s better to focus on clear communication and give your partner the space to continue expressing themselves. Authenticity thrives when assumptions are replaced with honest dialogue.

What We Did…

As mentioned early, we prioritized understanding each other. And with that, we also fell into the trap of thinking for each other.

We started making assumptions about what the other person wanted. For small things, this can be nice—like knowing your partner enjoys cute surprises or back rubs and giving them those without asking.

However, our mistake was making broader assumptions – which often meant projecting our own perspectives onto the other person. This led to us putting effort into areas where it was unnecessary while neglecting each other’s true needs and desires.

Consequently, we each felt depleted while the other still felt unsatisfied at times. So, like, what’s the point of that??

What To Do Instead…

Authenticity thrives when assumptions are replaced with honest dialogue. So, to avoid making these types of assumptions in early relationships, if you ever catch yourself thinking, “I’m doing so much for them, but they don’t appreciate it,” consider whether what you’re doing is actually what they need.

By inquiring and communicating more, you ensure that your efforts are meaningful and that your partner feels genuinely appreciated and cared for. Essentially, try less to assume and talk more to understand.

3. “Resolving” Conflicts Under the Influence of Alcohol

SNL gif. Kristen Wiig dressed as Cinderella holds a martini glass and drunkenly wipes at her mouth, saying, "Whatever," which appears as text.

We all know alcohol can impair judgment and escalate conflicts, turning minor disagreements into major arguments. To maintain a healthy and respectful relationship, it’s best to resolve issues when both parties are clear-headed.

What We Did…

We value discussing things as they come up and never sweeping anything under the rug, which is usually a good thing. However, having an authentic, genuine conversation while drunk is simply impossible. We learned the hard way that alcohol magnifies feelings and can lead to misunderstandings and heightened emotions, turning molehills into mountains.

What To Do Instead…

Intentional, well-planned conversations are the best way to address sensitive subjects or nuanced feelings, no matter how much you want to just “get something off your chest” immediately. To avoid this pitfall in early relationships, it’s crucial to save important discussions for sober moments to ensure clarity and mutual understanding.

Want to go deeper? Grab the free guide: The Reset: 12 Rules to Reconsider Before the First Date and uncover the hidden messages that aren’t serving you.

Why Inauthenticity is Important to Avoid in Early Relationships

Inauthentic behaviors can create a shaky foundation for any relationship. When you or your partner are not being true to yourselves, it can lead to misunderstandings, mistrust, imbalance, and dissatisfaction.

Alternatively, authenticity helps build a relationship based on real connection, deep understanding of your partner and yourself, and consistent awareness of strengths and weaknesses, making it more likely to stand the test of time.

These were some of the inauthentic behaviors my husband and I dealt with, but there’s many ways in which inauthenticity can creep into our relationships, and at any stage. If these three don’t resonate in your current or past relationships, then great!

But you can use this opportunity to reflect and see if there are behaviors that might be hindering your authenticity and growth in other ways. Taking time to assess and adjust can lead to healthier and more fulfilling connections moving forward.

Other Behaviors to Avoid in Early Relationships

Aside from the inauthentic behaviors I’ve discussed, it’s also helpful to check yourself if you start exhibiting these tendencies:

  • Rushing into serious commitments too quickly
  • Neglecting personal goals or interest
  • Failing to set any personal boundaries
  • Faking interest in each other’s hobbies
  • Constantly seeking validation
  • Avoiding honest conversations
  • Suppressing nuanced or complicated feeling

Taking things slowly, talking things out, and consistently checking in with yourself (and not just your partner) are ways to allow both partners to grow together naturally, ensuring that the relationship is based on genuine compatibility and shared values.

All the love,

Imani

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And if you liked this post, check out my paradigm-shifting mini-course: Try Less, in which you can overcome overthinking and begin reshaping unfounded beliefs around relationships.



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