4 Dating Mindsets You’ll Have to Choose From If You Think Men Suck

Let’s be honest… a lot of women are feeling it right now… many men suck.
(Not all, but enough to make dating feel like trying to find Wi-Fi in the desert.)

Between half-hearted effort, emotional unavailability, and situationships that go nowhere, it’s easy to lose faith in the whole process.

But if you do want to keep dating (and, better yet, stop feeling defeated by it), there’s one little thing you can do that’ll save you a ton of emotional energy:

Choose and commit to one of these four dating mindsets.

Because at some point, we all hit a crossroads in love.

Maybe you’ve been dating for years with little to show for it. Maybe you’re burned out and secretly wondering if you should just give up.

No matter your story, there comes a point when you realize it’s not just about the person sitting across from you, but about the mindset you’re dating through.

You’re making choices (or avoiding them) based on what feels safest, most comfortable, most in control, most familiar, or else.

And here’s the truth: every mindset has a cost. Some cost you time. Some cost you emotional energy. Some cost you opportunities you didn’t even realize you were passing up.

But when you consciously pick your approach — instead of stumbling into it — you can actually navigate modern dating without losing your mind.

So if you’ve ever muttered, “Ugh, men these days…” under your breath while deleting your apps for the fifth time, this one’s for you.

Let’s break down the four main dating mindsets and what you’re really signing up for with each one, so you can stay focused on your goals, accept the reality of modern dating, and still move toward connection on your own terms.

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1. The Hyper-Specific Hunter: High Standards, Higher Stakes

Approx. standards: 20–30 non-negotiables (the notes app checklist is long).

What You’re Looking For

Someone who checks every box: values, personality, lifestyle, communication style, physical attraction, shared interests, ambition, and emotional depth. You know exactly what you want and aren’t afraid to hold out for it.

What You’ll Need to Accept

You might never find someone who meets every one of your standards. People aren’t custom orders; they’re complex, evolving beings. The more hyper-specific your list, the narrower your pool becomes (and as mentioned, the pool of “the good ones” may already feel quite small).

Pros

• You feel protective of your time and emotional energy.

• You avoid situations that don’t meet your standards.

• If you truly accept the possibility that this person may never exist, you live with integrity and self-trust.

Cons

• If your checklist is based on social conditioning or surface-level ideals, you may end up with someone who looks perfect on paper but feels emotionally off.

• The search can feel exhausting and isolating.

• Perfectionism can disguise itself as “standards,” making it harder to connect authentically.

Bottom line: Being selective is powerful, but only if your standards come from self-awareness, not fear.

2. The Settler: Fast Comfort, Hidden Costs

Approx. standards: 1–2 loosely defined qualities.

What You’re Looking For

Someone who likes you back. Someone consistent enough to be there. You crave safety and stability—even if it’s not quite right.

What You’ll Need to Accept

You’re prioritizing the status of being in a relationship over the substance of who it’s with. You’ll need to accept that companionship without connection can quietly drain you.

Pros

• You’ll find a relationship quickly.

• You’ll temporarily ease loneliness and feel “secure.”

Cons

• You risk ignoring red flags or emotional incompatibility.

• You may lose yourself trying to maintain peace.

• Settling often leads to resentment or emotional numbness over time.

Bottom line: If your main goal is to not be alone, the price you’ll pay is authenticity (and, eventually, joy, fulfillment, alignment, etc.).

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Wondering if your standards are empowering or secretly sabotaging you?
👉 Download my free guide: 12 Dating Rules to Reconsider Before the First Date.
It’ll help you spot which dating rules (meant to help you “not settle” are quietly working against you – and replace them with mindsets that make dating feel more grounded, self-honoring, and actually enjoyable again.

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3. The Resigned Romantic: The One Who Gives Up

Approx. standards: None. You’re burnt out and have stepped off the dating carousel entirely.

What You’re Looking For

Peace. You’re done with games, disappointment, or wasting energy. You say things like, “I’m focusing on myself” or “I just don’t care anymore.”

What You’ll Need to Accept

You’ll gain peace, but you’ll lose the possibility of a romantic connection, at least for now. Protecting yourself from pain often means protecting yourself from potential joy.

Pros

• You get your energy, clarity, and focus back.

• You can heal and build self-trust without dating pressure.

• If intentional, this phase can reset your standards and perspective.

Cons

• If driven by hopelessness instead of peace, it can harden into emotional avoidance.

• You may still crave love, but fear the vulnerability it requires.

• Over time, “not caring” can turn into “not feeling.”

Bottom line: There’s a difference between consciously resting from dating and unconsciously retreating from love.

4. The Selective Realist: Clear Needs, Open Mind

Approx. standards: 5–7 needs (non-negotiables) focused on values, not appearances.

What You’re Looking For

Someone emotionally mature enough to take accountability, communicate clearly, and grow with you. You care about shared values, curiosity, and a friendship-based foundation rather than a flawless résumé of traits.

What You’ll Need to Accept

Every partner has flaws. The question is whether their flaws are workable, and whether they’re willing to do the work. You’ll need to accept that real relationships evolve through imperfection.

Pros

• You focus on character, not superficial checklists.

• You allow relationships to develop naturally.

• You’re more likely to build long-term emotional safety and teamwork. A true partnership.

Cons

• You might take on too much emotional labor if your partner isn’t equally invested.

• It can be tricky to tell the difference between flexibility and self-abandonment without honest support and specific guidelines you can stick to (especially if you’ve made poor dating choices in the past).

• Growth takes patience, and patience takes trust.

Bottom line: This mindset works beautifully if you value growth and authenticity over instant gratification.

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How to Know Which Dating Mindset You’re In

Ask yourself:

• Are my standards rooted in alignment, fear of not getting it right, or fear of settling?

• Am I being open-minded or avoiding conflict?

• Are my dating choices acts of courage (choosing connection through vulnerability) or convenience (accepting what’s available because I’m tired)?

• Am I choosing to be single because I’m healed, or because I’ve decided it’s safer not to deal with disappointment again?

There’s no “right” answer, just the answer that’s true for you right now. And the point isn’t to judge yourself for where you are, but to recognize it (especially in a dating world that can feel discouraging even for the most emotionally intelligent women).

The Real Work: Self-Honesty Over Strategy

Modern dating can make even the most grounded person cynical.

But love doesn’t reward the one who tries the hardest; it rewards the one who’s most honest about their patterns.

And honestly? Being “too picky” or “too easygoing” isn’t the real issue. The issue is when your choices come from fear instead of intention:
– fear that everyone disappoints, fear that you’ll waste time, or fear that you’ll end up caring more than they do.

But fortunately, when you understand your dating mindset, you stop dating reactively and start dating responsibly.

You stop asking “Why isn’t this working?” or “Why do all men suck?” and start asking “What am I choosing—and why?”

That’s the moment dating becomes less about chasing and more about choosing.

Final Thoughts

Here’s the truth: you’re not crazy for feeling frustrated.
It’s hard out here. There are plenty of emotionally unavailable, performative, and low-effort men—and pretending otherwise doesn’t make dating easier.

But the empowering part? You don’t have to let that reality define your outlook or your worth.

The fascinating thing about dating is that it can reveal what you believe about yourself, what you believe about love, and what you’re willing to accept.

So start with curiosity. Ask better questions.
That’s how you attract not just attention, but true alignment.

Love,

Imani

Speaking of Choices…

Here are two free guides to choose from as a thank-you for reading this article:

👉 25 Subtle Yet Revealing Questions to Weed Out the F-Boys
Learn how to spot emotional maturity early and save your energy for connections that actually feel easy, fun, and real.

👉 12 Rules to Reconsider Before Your Next Date
Unlearn outdated dating “rules” that secretly work against you, and replace them with ones that help you date with more confidence, self-trust, and peace.