4 Dating Rules to Rethink Before Your Next First Date

We all know dating advice is filled with rules… what to do, what not to say, how to act, what to think, what not to wear, when to text. It’s overwhelming. And honestly, it’s exhausting.

I grew up with strict, traditional, socially conservative expectations. And for a long time, I didn’t realize how many silent rules I was carrying with me. About dating, about desirability, about how things should be, about who I was allowed to be…

And I tried to play the part and be “acceptable” – as in, the low-maintenance, emotionally stable, do-everything-right type. But if I’m being honest, I was never very good at being the “chill girl,” or the “perfect woman.”

I asked too many questions. I felt too much. I wanted more than what the rules made space for.

So I started dating differently. I just couldn’t pretend anymore. And somehow, through that messy, questioning, imperfect process… I stumbled into something real.

Now, over a decade into a relationship that’s full of love, growth, depth, and (yes) plenty of vibrant human messiness, I can say with complete honesty:

I didn’t get here by following the rules.
I got here by letting them go (one by one, again and again…) and choosing something more honest instead.

So, if you’re dating for love – as in real, deep, mutual, life-enhancing love – then maybe it’s time to stop performing, assuming, or limiting and start questioning the scripts and “tips” you’ve been handed.

Here are four of the common (yet often subconscious) dating “rules” you might want to ditch before your next first date if you’re ready for something real.

Want to go deeper? 🔍 Grab the free guide: The Reset: 12 Rules to Reconsider Before the First Date and uncover the hidden messages that aren’t serving you.

1. “Be Likable” 

Let’s be honest: we all want to be liked. That’s human. But there’s a big difference between being liked for who you are and being liked because you performed well.

Modern dating advice often nudges us toward the latter:

• “Here’s how to win him over”

• “What men really want”

• “How to have the perfect first date”

But here’s the problem: when you’re focused on being liked, you’re less likely to show up fully as yourself. You overthink. You edit. You perform.

And if someone falls for the version of you that’s carefully curated to please them… they’re not really falling for you.

So instead of asking “Do they like me?” after a date, ask:
“Do I like them?”
“Was I myself?”
“Was there space for real connection, or was I just trying to be impressive?”

Ultimately, you’re not there to audition for the dude. You’re there to get curious about who he even is.

2. “There Has to Be a Spark” 

The “spark” — that instant, electric, can’t-stop-thinking-about-you feeling — has become the holy grail of first dates. And yet… how often has that “spark” actually led to something meaningful?

Sparks can be fun, yes. But they’re also unreliable. Sometimes they’re because of attraction. Sometimes they’re due to anxiety. Sometimes they’re brought about by “chemistry” that’s rooted in old patterns that don’t serve you.

Real connection builds up over time. 
It’s not always loud or cinematic. Sometimes it’s slow, steady, and quietly clear.

For example, the first time I cuddled with my now-husband, I felt nothing. Zero spark. Nada.
(You might be asking why I was cuddling then… that’s a story for another time.) 

But anyway, a few months later, after real friendship and shared experience had time to grow? After I actually got to know him? Fireworks. Poems. The whole shabang (I know, gross).

Now look – I’m not saying to give second and third chances if you’re bored out of your mind. But if the first date feels “nice” but not mind-blowing, don’t write it off too quickly.

Curiosity matters more than butterflies. And sometimes, “meh” is just “I don’t know them yet.”

3. Don’t Say the Word “Relationship”

This rule is unspoken but somehow baked into many dating rules: don’t bring up relationships, don’t discuss what you actually want, and just “see what happens.” Why? Because of the fear of “saying too much” and scaring them off.

The word relationship has somehow become taboo on first dates, as if saying it out loud will immediately brand you as desperate or ruin the vibe.

But here’s the thing:
There’s a huge difference between pressuring someone to commit and simply being clear about what you’re open to.

You’re not asking them to be your partner. You’re just being upfront that you’re dating with intention. That’s not being clingy, it’s just being clear, intentional, and mature.

And let’s be real: if a simple, honest mention of your intentions makes someone bolt… they weren’t emotionally available in the first place.

Additionally, if the convo naturally goes there, asking about someone’s past relationships, what they’ve learned, or what they value in love can be deeply revealing as well (no interrogation necessary).

So what does this mean for a first date?
Well, it’s simple. If you do want a relationship, don’t pretend you’re just going with the flow. That doesn’t serve either party.

That doesn’t mean you need to show up with an engagement ring mood board. You’re still getting to know them after all. But it’s perfectly valid to say you’re dating for something meaningful and to ask what they’re looking for, too.

4. Date Your “Type”

You probably didn’t see this one coming.

It doesn’t fall into the stereotypical “dating advice for women” about being chill or not scaring him away. But “your type” might actually be one of your biggest roadblocks.

What’s the problem with having preferences, you might ask?

Well, all I know is that if I had stuck to my “type,” I wouldn’t be married to the person I love today.

We weren’t each other’s “types” at all. Different races. Different upbringings. Different worlds. And yet, here we are — 11 years in, building a life together that’s real, rich, and nothing like what I imagined.

We all have preferences. But it’s worth asking:
Are they helping you? Or are they limiting you?
Do they reflect your values and your vision for love, or just your conditioning?

Dating apps have made it even easier to filter by every detail imaginable. But filtering for a checklist doesn’t guarantee compatibility. And “your type” might just be a recycled version of what’s familiar… not what’s right.

Be selective. Have standards. Of course.
But don’t confuse familiarity or attraction with alignment and connection.

It might be worth reflecting: Have your “types” ever truly fulfilled you? Or have they just kept you in a loop?

If this resonated, there’s more.
These are just 4 of 12 dating “rules” that might be holding you back without you realizing it. If you’re ready to let go of outdated dating advice and start connecting with more confidence and clarity…

👉 Download the full, clickable guide (complete with more stories, reflection questions, and a printable Dating Reset Cheat Sheet): 12 Rules to Reconsider Before the First Date.
It’s scrollable, skimmable, and surprisingly freeing. 

All the love,

Imani