Dating Advice from a 12-Year Relationship (If I Had to Start Over in 2026, I’d Do This)

What would I do in dating if I had to start all over in 2026?

Here are 13 pieces of “dating advice” from a 12-year relationship (and 6 bonus pieces from my husband!)

I started dating my husband back in college, 12 years ago. Thus, I often (reasonably) get told: “Well, you don’t know what dating is like now.” or “It’s harder now than it was back then.” or “Meeting in college is way different than meeting in real life.”

All of these points are indeed true. 

However, the alternative to hearing a perspective from someone who has been in a healthy, long-term relationship is hearing a perspective from someone who is dating right now.

The person dating right now will indeed have much stronger insights about what is currently working well and not well for them. But what they don’t have? What you want: a healthy, long-term relationship.

So, this post is my attempt to close the gap a bit, giving you insights into what I feel I’d actually do if I were dating right now, in 2026, as a full-grown adult (not 2014 as a college student).

These insights come from my research, my clients’ experiences (and wins), and my personal perspective of what it actually takes to build a relationship (and what actually matters in the long run).

With this 12-year-out perspective, I can see which early moments were actually meaningful, which things helped build something real, what aspects of my dating life I took way too personally, and which things probably only felt important because of nerves, chemistry, ego, excitement, or the pressure to “figure it out.”

And from where I sit now, those beginning stages matter so much, but perhaps not for the reasons we think.

So this isn’t a list of hard rules.

It’s more like: if I had to do the beginning again, knowing now what actually helped create something healthy and lasting, this is how I’d construct my dating life.

You don’t have to follow my “rules,” but you can absolutely use this perspective to compare, contrast, and maybe reconsider some of your own.

Now, without further ado, here’s what I would do in dating if I had to start all over in 2026.

1) Prioritize Friendship > Immediate Romance

Since my husband (John) and I were friends first, I would likely prioritize friendship and genuine connection over strictly focusing on immediate attraction and romance.

Romance and attraction can absolutely be created out of friendship (as I know from experience!). And honestly, it’s often easier to get to know people for who they actually are that way (rather than who you want them to be or who they want to be to impress you).

Sometimes, immediate romance creates pressure, projection, and fantasy too early. Meanwhile, friendship gives things room to breathe.

2) Join Groups and Focus on Community > Just 1-on-1 Dates

One way I’d prioritize friendship and connection over immediate romance is to focus on groups rather than just 1-on-1s.

It’s more likely you’ll be able to make genuine connections without constant “first date pressure” when you’re in group settings. Think clubs, activities, sporting groups, game nights, social networking events, etc.

Big Bonus: Seeing someone interact with others often offers a greater perspective than what you can get from only seeing them interact with you over and over again (especially, again, if there’s any pressure at all to impress).

Overall, group settings can show social awareness, kindness, confidence, and how they naturally move through the world.

(Surprise surprise: John and I not only went to the same college, but were also in the same social living group!)

3) Ask Better Questions Earlier > Waiting for “the right time”

I wouldn’t care if my curiosity and genuine interest in understanding the person in front of me came off as “weird,” “desperate,” or anything else.

I’d respect my precious time and ask meaningful questions sooner.

Things like:

• What does commitment mean to you?
• How do you handle conflict?
• What are you looking for right now?
• What does a healthy relationship look like to you?

I think a lot of unnecessary attachment happens when people avoid the very questions that would have given them clarity.

About a month or so after John and I started dating, we were long-distance over the summer and created a blog (so corny, I know). That blog provided a beautiful space to ask all sorts of deep, meaningful, intimate, and even controversial questions.

I don’t think you necessarily have to ask all the uncomfortable questions we decided to ask each other so early on, but that experience did bring us so much closer and made me realize the power of meaningful question-asking early on.

4) Welcome (and even ask for) Setups & Blind Dates

I would absolutely allow good, trusted friends to set me up.

It’s important to trust your own judgment in dating and make the most important decision (who to commit to and why) on your own.

But sometimes your friends know you in ways that are different from how you’re able to see yourself.

That means they may notice opportunities for connection that you may be blind to because of your usual “type” or strict checklist that you’ve built up over time.

The interesting thing about this point is that my friends at the time actually would not have set me up with John. But that’s because I didn’t actually know what I was looking for (because, quite frankly, I wasn’t looking for anyone.)

However, John wasn’t my “type” at the time, and if we hadn’t been in that group setting and I hadn’t gotten to know him as a friend first, we may never have started dating.

This makes me strongly question and challenge the idea of “types” in the first place, since attraction can grow from knowing someone better (and a friend who knows someone who shares your values could potentially be a way better match than the “your type” dude at the bar!).

5) Use the Dating Apps… but SLOWLY

Now we’re onto the side of things that are completely different in 2026 than they were in 2014, where dating apps were just getting off the ground (and were still quite taboo!).

From what I’ve seen, there appears to be this idea that when you’re on the apps, you’ve got to swipe through folks quicker than the speed of light. That reinforces that apps are so, so much more about looks than anything else.

And perhaps there’s also an idea that you’ll be missing out if you don’t go through all of your swipes that day (since it refreshes each day).

But all that aggressive, quick swiping would most likely lead me to dating app burnout, in which I’d give up on the app entirely and decide to take a “quick break” (aka 6 months to a year) and then miss out on way more opportunities than I would have if I had just slowed down a bit.

I would rather use the apps in an intentional, focused way (perhaps actually looking through more of the profiles and responses if they look like decent people, even if they’re not “my type” or an immediate “panty dropper”) rather than let them become a background emotional drain.

6) Use Hinge First (and Make Research-Based Rankings of the Other Apps)

Speaking of Dating Apps, if I were starting over in dating today, I’d definitely do my research on them. From what I’ve seen, Hinge often performs best for intentional long-term dating, so I’d prioritize that over the other apps at first (I’m not sponsored, I swear).

That said, dating apps are also very location-specific. Some work better than others depending on where you are, who else is on it, and what vibe or stigma has been created around that app in that area.

So I’d do some research – actual data, asking trusted friends, testing each out for a week or so, maybe even local Reddit threads – and figure out which apps are worth my time versus which would just waste energy.

7) Date Multiple People at Once

Idk who needs to hear this… but I would definitely, unapologetically date multiple people at once and literally only stop dating other people once I am officially and explicitly exclusive.

That way, there is:

No guessing. None of that “well, I don’t think they’re seeing anyone else.” No accidental pseudo-relationships.

Until exclusivity is spoken, I would assume everyone is still gathering data and making decisions.

8) Prioritize Shared Values > Shared Aesthetic

I would care way less about whether our lives look compatible and more about whether our values actually are.

Same taste in music, same brunch spots, same clothing vibe? Cute.

But shared values around honesty, communication, money, family, lifestyle, conflict, and growth are what actually carry a relationship.

Those other things can (and likely will) naturally change.

So while a shared aesthetic can make dating feel exciting at first (“omg we’re such a great match!”), shared values are what make it sustainable and fulfilling in the long run.

*cough* This is why that question-asking piece is so important!! *cough*

9) Have Short First Dates

I am a fun, talkative, interesting person (or at least my husband thinks so).

If you also consider yourself fun, talkative, and interesting, you’ve probably had many amazing first dates… only to be left wondering why things suddenly went cold and you never saw that person again.

There could be many reasons for that, and for the sake of not sending anyone into a spiral right now, I’ll cut to the chase: it doesn’t really matter why you didn’t get a second date.

Because that alone means that person was not for you.

What does matter is recognizing that you may be the kind of person who naturally creates a good time because you are a good time.

You’re engaging. You’re curious. You know how to connect.

So yes, the date may have been fun. But that doesn’t always translate to real, genuine, lasting interest.

That said, if I were dating again, I would only accept short, light, sober, daytime first dates.

I don’t want to “just have fun.”

I want to see how this person and I naturally connect without the glitz, glamour, drinks, screens, or distractions.

And then, if I maintain interest in them, I’d want to see whether they maintain interest in me: in who I actually am, not just in how much fun the date happened to be.

10) Wait Until Date 3 to Draw Conclusions

This one would be HARD for me as an admitted overthinker.

But I would at least try not to come to any conclusions about who this person is or how good a partner they might make until at least the third date.

I want to see consistency and see them in different contexts. I also want to let things play out naturally before even having a single daydream.

The sense I get (from both former clients and my close friends) that a lot of what gets exhausting about dating is the emotional roller coaster…

You get excited, go out, have a nice time, and then can’t help but think, could this be the one?

And when they’re likely not (not because of any fault of your own, but simply because finding that special someone is rare), you get disappointed, sad, discouraged, and frustrated.

Then you have to pick yourself back up and regulate your emotions all over again, which is effort in and of itself. (!!)

So I would take everything with a grain of salt until there was an undeniable feeling of genuine, meaningful, deep connection.

Otherwise, screw it: I’m just having fun, asking questions, and staying curious and open until then.

TL;DR: The only thing I’d evaluate after the first date is whether I’d like to have a second date (and why or why not). That’s it.

11) Move Off the App Faster > Endless Messaging

This one is controversial. Some people want to talk for a while before committing to the effort, energy, and even safety risk of meeting someone IRL. Others get exhausted and frustrated by online chatting and see it as a time saver to meet in person to see if this person is even worth continuing the chat.

I understand both sides.

But for me, I realize that while my and John’s communication styles are quite similar now, they were vastly different before we started dating. That’s why I strongly believe that having any specific expectations of the other person is a fool’s errand.

I personally would not want to spend 10 business days texting someone I’ve never met in real life. But I also wouldn’t be ashamed or feel desperate to say that explicitly.

I see women waiting, wishing, and hoping that the guy they’re talking to would finally ask them out, but for all they know, they got rejected last week for asking someone out too quickly!

So whatever my vibe was with whoever I was talking to, I wouldn’t be shy in letting them know my expectations. You don’t have to explicitly ask the question “Would you go on a date with me?” if you’d like the guy to be the “chaser.”

After several days of texting, I’d probably simply say something like “At this point, I typically like to meet in person to see if these fun, interesting chats will transfer well offline. What about you?”

I may also keep things online, but just move off the app – I’d rather move to a quick call or video chat just to see what their real-time vibe is like.

In my opinion, too much texting creates fake closeness and way too much room for fantasy.

12) Ignore Dating Coaches Who Aren’t in Relationships

This one might be a hot take.

Look, I get that many people may have valuable things to say.

But if someone doesn’t have what I’m looking for, I would assume their advice may not apply to me.

A lot of dating coaches are amazing at teaching people how to “get people to like you.”

But I wouldn’t care about getting someone to like a contorted, high-performing version of me just for the win.

Just like with fitness coaching, business coaching, or any other type of coaching or mentorship, I’d want to listen to someone who actually has what I want.

13) Have Fun With It

And honestly, I would try my hardest to make dating feel lighter.

Not careless or detached or meaningless. Just more confident, self-assured, and non-attached to any specific outcomes at any specific time, and thus easier and freer overall.

I think a lot of dating becomes exhausting because people start treating every interaction like it needs to lead somewhere. And I get it. People want to hit a certain milestone at a certain time, and the pressure builds and builds and builds.

But sometimes a date or interaction won’t lead anywhere at all. And most of the time, it shouldn’t.

That doesn’t mean it’s pointless. In my eyes, that might mean the interaction served a different purpose – learning something new about yourself, your patterns, your preferences, or your blind spots.

So yes, I’d still be intentional.

But I’d also let dating be what it is: meeting people, practicing curiosity, learning, laughing, being surprised, and occasionally being very, very wrong.

That’s part of it, too.

BONUS: I asked my husband what he would do if he had to start dating again in 2026

I thought it’d be interesting to ask my husband this, too. He’s the other half of this 12-year relationship and therefore has his own insights.

Some of his answers overlapped with mine, and some were very different (which I actually think makes this even more useful).

Here’s what he said.

1) He wouldn’t have sex in the first couple of dates

His reasoning was simple: if the goal is to find a long-term partner, then the point early on is to figure out whether you actually like the person.

Not whether the sexual chemistry is good, or whether the physical attraction is distracting enough to keep you interested.

Just: Do I genuinely like this person?

He said he’d want to remove the sexual element early so he could focus on the social and emotional chemistry first.

Honestly, I think that’s a really good take.

2) He’d lead with the non-negotiables

He said he’d be extremely clear about what he wants. Fair enough!

If the goal is family, travel, lifestyle compatibility, or whatever else matters to him, he’d want those expectations to be clear from the beginning.

His perspective was basically that if something core doesn’t align, there’s no need to drag it out.

He gave this example: “If I want kids and she doesn’t? Okay, cool. Nice meeting you. That’s enough information.”

Practical, simple, well said.

3) He’d leave at the first sign of games

This one made me laugh because I wasn’t surprised at all.

He said if someone started playing games with him, he’d be out immediately.

“If they’re hot and cold or giving mixed signals, I’d ask directly if there’s a reason for it. If they say ‘no’ but the behavior continues, that’s my cue to leave.”

His energy was giving:
I’m too old for this. Bye.

Haha yup… fair. 100% agreed.

4) He’d meet people through real-life activities

This overlapped with what I said about community and groups!

He said he’d focus on meeting people through activities: sports, hobbies, errands, grocery shopping, just normal life.

Basically, being open to real-world connections instead of treating dating like it only happens in “dating spaces.”

And if someone caught his eye, he said he’d just go approach them.

5) He probably wouldn’t use the apps at all

This is where we differed the most.

He said he probably wouldn’t use the apps.

His reasoning was that apps can create too much performance and too much filtering before you’ve even met the person.

He’d rather gather data in real life. Fair enough – I can see both sides!

6) He’d avoid bars

He also said he’d avoid bars completely because the environment just doesn’t feel conducive to finding something real.

His perspective was that bars naturally create a vibe where people are extra flirty, extra polished, and often playing more of a social role than showing who they really are.

And while there’s obviously nothing wrong with dressing up and looking your best, his point was that it just feels less connected to actual everyday life.

In his mind, it seems like a lower-probability environment for meeting someone truly aligned.

Final thoughts

Honestly, writing this made me realize how much healthy, long-term love is built on things that aren’t always the most exciting in the beginning.

Clarity.
Curiosity.
Consistency.
Shared values.
Letting time reveal people.
Staying grounded in reality instead of fantasy.

And maybe that’s the whole point.

Knowing what I know now, after 12 years of lived experience, I think I’d care less about the immediate highs of dating and more about the early signs that something could actually hold up over time. (Although, when you actually fall in true, deep, healthy love, that high is like nothing I’d ever experienced before!)

But now I’m curious:

What do you agree with?
And what, if anything, do you feel like is naive dating advice from a 12-year relationship, based on being “out of the game” for far too long?

I’d genuinely be curious to know!

All the love,

Imani