Are Your Dating Expectations of Men Really Yours? How Gender Scripts Are (Still) Messing with Modern Love

You might not think of yourself as “traditional,” per se. You’re independent, driven, and proud to tackle life on your own terms. You believe in equality, partnership, and paying your bills (whether you like it or not).

And you’re certainly not waiting on someone to “rescue” you.

But here’s the paradox: you might be – as a lot of modern women are – still dating as if you’re following rules from a different era.

Not only do I see this in real time, but the data shows it as well. Nearly a third of singles in 2025 prefer traditional roles in relationships, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. However, research has also shown that even women who prefer equal roles in relationships still lean towards gendered norms in courtship (early dating).

That said, women who otherwise consider themselves progressive may whip out their judge gavel when a guy doesn’t text first every time, doesn’t pay for dinner, doesn’t automatically plan every detail of the date, or is a bit too emotionally “needy.”

Sound familiar? You’re not alone: I hear this from clients and friends alike.

To be honest, I get it. The problem is not wanting to feel cared for or taken care of. That’s human. And for any one woman, there may be a mix of biological, cultural, and emotional safety reasons why some women might have some of these “traditional” preferences in the early stages.

When traditional expectations meet modern values…

However, as a dating coach who works primarily with high-achieving, self-aware women, I’ve seen how these expectations often fall out of sync with who they claim to be and what they truly value in a partner at their core.

So the issue isn’t the preferences themselves, but:

• whether or not these gender-based dating standards are truly aligned with what you personally want (vs. what you think you’re supposed to want)
• whether they’re serving you or just hindering your love life, creating needless expectations that cause more disappointment than protection, and
• how they might be, ultimately, causing annoyance, frustration, and missed opportunities for real connection.

So what are these old rules, why do they still shape how we date, and what can we do about it?

Let’s get into it.

You also might like this free, comprehensive guide: 12 common dating rules you might be following without even realizing it.

The Hidden Scripts We’re Still Following

• Men lead, women choose.
• Men prove, women evaluate.
• Romance equals grand gestures over small consistency.

This script is far from dead. A 2023 PubMed study found that the male participants almost always paid the bill on first and subsequent dates (and it was expected, too).

And beyond just picking up the bill, many women are drawn to the idea of a man who initiates, plans, leads, provides, protects, woos, and pulls out all the stops to show his interest.

But what happens when these traditional dating norms meet a different set of more modern dating expectations of men for long-term relationships (e.g., equal treatment, emotional openness, shared financial responsibility, and true partnership)?

One Way This Could Play Out.

You meet someone who genuinely values equality. Instead of assuming you’ll automatically go along with his plans, he asks what you’d actually enjoy doing and makes decisions with you, not for you.

He might even suggest splitting the bill or trading off who plans the next date, not because he’s lazy or stingy, but because he sees dating as a two-way street.

But here’s where things go awry: instead of seeing this as respect, you might see it as a lack of effort.

You’ve been taught that “a real man” pursues, plans, and pays without hesitation. So when someone steps outside that script, it can feel off.

It’s not because he’s doing anything wrong, but because it suddenly feels like you’re the one ‘doing the work,’ even though he’s simply treating you as an equal.

Meanwhile, the guys who check all the traditional boxes — always paying, always planning, always chasing — sometimes turn out to be the very ones who don’t actually see you as an equal partner.

They’re performing a role, not necessarily showing you who they really are or how they’ll treat you long-term.

When these mismatched expectations collide, good matches can get overlooked while bad ones get a free pass simply because they “look right” on paper.

Now, if you’re looking for a traditional relationship and you’ve thought through that choice, that’s totally fine.

But if what you really want is an equal partnership, where you and your partner naturally build what works best for you both, then you might be dismissing Guy 1 too quickly while giving Guy 2 extra credit for things that won’t matter as much in the long run.

What Keeps These Outdated Dating Scripts Alive?

It’s not hypocrisy, though. It’s just conditioning:

• Culture runs deep. Rom-coms, social media, and romantic narratives still highlight the “Prince Charming” vibe.
• Family modeling. Even open-minded parents can unconsciously reinforce traditional roles through their own relationships.
• Social pressure. Friends judge a partner who doesn’t open doors or pick up the tab — even when you believe in equality.
• Comfort in structure. Old roles feel predictable in a messy dating world.

This clash between traditional vs. modern dating can leave you feeling torn.

Why All of This Is Making Dating Much More Frustrating 

When you judge compatibility by surface-level gestures, you filter for performance instead of true, authentic character and compatibility.

Because when you’re dating for love, here’s the truth:

• Someone who pays for everything isn’t automatically a better partner.
• Someone who splits bills isn’t necessarily cheap.
• The elaborate planner may not see you as an equal.
• The collaborator might be a better partner, but gets filtered out.

Many women dismiss great potential matches because the man didn’t tick a box they were told to value decades ago.

It’s not just women who get stuck, either. Men still feel pressure to prove their worth through money, chivalry, and constant pursuit. They’re judged not by who they are, but by whether they’ve followed rules no one likes to admit are still there.

And in today’s world (and economy, yikes…) that role is harder than ever to sustain. According to the Singles in America study, single people spend hundreds each month on dating, with men spending more than twice as much on in-person dates because they’re expected to pick up the tab.

It’s one thing to pay for the occasional date when your cousin sets you up with someone who might actually become your spouse. It’s another to keep footing the bill in an endless cycle of swiping, ghosting, and rapid turnover just to get to date number two.

The result? Many men feel trapped in an outdated, pricy performance of masculinity rather than being free to show up as genuine partners.

This mismatch leaves women convinced that emotionally available men don’t exist and leaves men feeling punished for showing up as equals.

And – the part that makes me the most sad – is that great matches vanish before they get a real chance.

What Shifts When You Drop the Old Script

When you stop dating based on standards that aren’t aligned to your true needs and put authentic dating standards and needs front and center, something surprising happens.

You:

• Stop asking, “Did he do the right thing?” and start asking, “Do we share the same values?”
• Focus less on testing his performance and more on noticing how he actually treats you, how he shows up when things are hard, and whether your visions for life align.
• Open yourself up to people you might have dismissed before.
• Avoid wasting time on people who are great at gestures but not great at building a real relationship.

In this way, dating feels less like a high-pressure audition and more like an honest conversation.

Redefining Standards (NOT “Lowering” Them)

Standards matter, of course, but only if they reflect who you actually are:

• Do you truly care if he pays for dinner (before he’s truly gotten to know you, might I add)?
  • Or do you care whether he’s generous in spirit? (which he may very well show you once he gets to know you a bit better).
• Do you really need him to plan every date?
  • Or do you need someone who listens, collaborates, and shares responsibility for making things fun?

There are no “right” or “wrong” answers to these types of self-questions.

But if you resonate with the struggle of feeling boxed in and conflicted, it might be time to ask whether your standards are guiding you toward the partner you want, or steering you away from him before he even has a chance to show up.

Conclusion: The Kind of Date That Really Pays Off

(no wallet required) *wink*

The best relationships aren’t built on outdated scripts. They’re built when both people choose real partnership. By design, not default.

Main question to ask yourself:

• Are these expectations truly mine, or are they borrowed from a playbook I don’t even believe in anymore?

Because the truth is, you can be modern, independent, and successful without losing the romance.

You just have to ensure your standards align with the kind of relationship you actually want, not the one someone else told you to want.

And when your dating standards align with your values of partnership, respect, and equality, you stop wasting time on flashy but empty matches.

Love,

Imani

Bonus question for you: What outdated dating expectation have you already let go of, and what happened when you did?

“Sticking to the gender script” is just one of the several dating rules I decode in my free guide: 12 Rules to Reconsider Before the First Date. If you’re burnt out and ready to start making choices that actually fit, grab your copy now.