How Overthinking Can Fuel Your Fear of Rejection: (& How to Break the Cycle)

There’s something I like to call the “fear of rejection to overthinking cycle of doom.” And if that sounds scary, that might be because it sounds vaguely familiar…

We’ve all been there. Getting rejected sucks.

And while it may be obvious that fear of rejection can lead to overthinking, have you ever thought about it the other way around? 

How that same overthinking can then fuel more fear of rejection?

In this piece, I’ll discuss the intriguing (and, let’s face it, annoying) concept I’ve noticed about the relationship between the fear of rejection and overthinking, why it’s a massively common habit that occurs in people’s dating lives, and how to start tackling this cycle in attempts to end it once and for all. 

Introducing: The Fear of Rejection to Overthinking Cycle of Doom

Fear of rejection may lead you to (over)think about all the ways to 

(try to) avoid getting rejected…

 

“I should do this” 

“I shouldn’t do that” 

“What should I write back?” 

“Would he like this?” 

“I can’t say that”

 

When faced with the uncertainty of a potential relationship, it’s natural to seek control by trying to predict and manage every possible outcome. 

 

You’re trying to mitigate your chances of getting rejected by doing and saying the “right” thing, hoping that if you just get it perfect, everything will work out.

 

Fair enough. Can’t blame you. Cause again, rejection sucks.

 

No one wants to feel the sting of being turned down or ignored, especially when you’ve put yourself out there. 

 

Overthinking then leads to The Illusion of Control

But when you overthink, you’re creating the illusion that you have 

more control than you actually do.

 

The truth is, no matter how much you analyze every word or action, you can’t control someone else’s feelings or decisions.

 

The Illusion of Control then leads to Fear of Failure

Then, this illusion of control actually INCREASES your fears because then, it’s not just about rejection…

 

It’s not just about someone who doesn’t like you, for whatever reason…

 

It’s “FAILURE.” 

 

The Fear of Failure then leads to Inauthentic Dating

And this fear of failure – that comes from the illusion of control – likely doesn’t help you in coming off authentic or genuine. 

 

Instead of being your true self, you’re playing a role, trying to fit into what you think someone else wants. 

 

Inauthentic Dating can then lead to More Rejection 

This inauthenticity (brought about by the fear of failure) can make you come off as awkward, timid, and not like your wonderful, natural self. 

 

You lose the spontaneity and charm that makes you, you. 

 

And since you aren’t acting in alignment with yourself, and aren’t expressing your whole self, this can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy, bringing about more rejection.

 

Want to know 15 ways to shift your perspective and date with more ease? Check out this quick and punchy mini-course: Try Less. Click here to learn more. 

 

Side Note: The Illusion of Control also fosters the Illusion of Responsibility 

And – with this illusion of control – you’re essentially holding yourself responsible…

 

…for someone else’s choice.

 

And thus, if you DO get rejected…

 

Guess what?…

 

…your overthinking kicks in again.

 

“Why didn’t they like me?” 

“What did I do wrong?” 

“What could I have done differently?” 

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said that” “Maybe I should’ve worn something sexier, or less sexy, or 

understated, middle-of-the-road sexy???…”

 

And the cycle continues.

 

This vicious cycle not only drains your energy but also keeps you from truly connecting with others. Instead of enjoying the dating process, you’re caught in a web of anxiety and second-guessing.

 

How To Stop This Fear of Rejection to Overthinking Cycle of Doom 

 

So. 

 

How do you STOP the fear of rejection -> overthinking -> illusion of control -> fear of failure -> inauthentic behavior -> rejection -> more fear of rejection -> more overthinking CYCLE??

 

 

Learning how to:

 

1) Embrace rejection to embrace authenticity

2) Become non-attached to the outcomes

3) Shift your mindset on “dating success”

 

Overcoming the fear of rejection and the overthinking that comes along with it is all about embracing rejection, learning the art of non-attachment, and shifting your mindset around what “dating success” even means.

 

To start doing this today, first consider these two powerful questions: 

 

What are my current beliefs about rejection, attraction, and dating success? 

 

If they’re unhelpful, how can I update my beliefs about rejection, attachment, and success into more productive, helpful, accurate, and/or empowering beliefs? 

 

For example, here are three common “old” beliefs that can be updated to start shifting your perspective and tackling this roadblock:

 

1) For embracing rejection: 

Old belief: “They don’t like me.” 

New belief: “They’re not for me.”

 

Embracing rejection means recognizing that not everyone is meant to be in your life, and that’s okay. When you shift your focus from being liked to finding the right match, rejection becomes less personal and more about alignment.

 

2) For nonattachment: 

Old belief: “I want this to work out no matter what.” 

New belief: “I only want this to work out if it’s meant to work out.”

 

Non-attachment allows you to let go of the need to control the outcome and instead focus on what feels right. It’s about trusting the process and believing that what’s meant for you won’t pass you by.

 

3) For Shifting your dating mindset:

Old belief: “I want them to like me.” 
New belief: “I want to be myself and see if I like them.” 

 

Shifting your mindset from seeking approval to evaluating whether someone aligns with your values and desires is a game-changer. 

 

It empowers you to approach dating with confidence and clarity, knowing that your worth isn’t dependent on someone else’s opinion.

 

By updating these beliefs, you start to dismantle the fear and overthinking that hold you back. 

 

You learn to approach dating with a sense of curiosity and self-assuredness, knowing that rejection isn’t a reflection of your value but a step toward finding the connection that’s truly right for you.

 

Love, 

Imani