7 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Fighting With Your Partner

If you clicked on this article, here’s the first thing: Breathe. Conflict is a part of every relationship.

Here’s the second thing: Do NOT feel guilty. If there’s more conflict in your relationship than usual — because they’re not picking up after themselves, their habits are on full display, they act differently around other people — whatever the case, you’re not alone.

A lot of couples uncover new traits, form frustrating new patterns, and discover fresh pet peeves the more time they spend together. But just remember: you’re with your partner for a reason. More friction doesn’t mean you’re doomed. Honestly, it can be a valuable opportunity to grow.

As nomads who’ve lived and traveled together 24/7 by choice, John and I know a thing or two about checking in with ourselves and each other, managing irritability, and preventing unnecessary conflict when sharing space for extended periods of time.

Here are 7 questions to ask yourself when you’re in a conflict with your partner — before confronting them or making any rash statements or decisions:

1. What has actually been annoying me about my partner?

Sometimes I’m just annoyed and don’t take the time to process my feelings after each small frustration. Those minor irritations pile up slowly, until anything — literally anything — my partner does can set me off. If you can relate, write out what specifically has been bothering you. You may realize one of two things:

1) These annoyances are real and need to be addressed in a calm but honest conversation, or

2) These annoyances are actually pretty minor, and your level of frustration exceeds the “crime.” You might even laugh at yourself — which can be its own mood booster.

2. What has my partner done recently that I’ve actually liked?

When you’re in an irritable rut, you tend to notice the annoying things more intensely while overlooking the good stuff. Whether it’s bringing you tea in the morning, checking in on how you’re feeling, cooking a good meal, or just letting you pick what to watch twice in a row — taking stock of the positives gives you a more fair and balanced picture of your relationship.

3. What quality time have we spent together lately?

You might be spending plenty of time in the same space without actually connecting. Going from work to dinner to the couch without much real conversation can quietly drain the intimacy from a relationship. If the romance feels like it’s been on the back burner, that could very reasonably be contributing to friction between you two.

Date night still exists! It might just require a little more intention. Check out our couples activity ideas if you need some inspiration.

4. What have I been doing to stay healthy?

I can get more randomly irritated when I haven’t been taking care of my mental or physical health. If I’m particularly moody, I ask myself: have I drunk enough water today? When did I last move my body or do something just for me?

Whatever you know you need to stay grounded — make sure you’ve checked in with those things before you decide your partner is the problem.

5. How can I get more space — even if there isn’t much?

Your partner may usually be a huge mood booster, but sometimes what you need most is time away from them. Physically moving to a different part of the home is the easiest solution — but even if you’re in a small space, mental space is something you can ask for directly: “I need some time to myself right now — please don’t interrupt me while I ____.”  Fill in that blank however you need to.

6. What new habits have I developed that might be bothering them?

Nobody’s perfect. If I feel like I’m being unfairly aggravated, I ground myself by recognizing my own behavior too. I’m well aware of how I can get more irritating, less attentive, or less fun to be around. A little self-awareness goes a long way toward softening your judgment of your partner.

7. What step do I need to take next?

After reflecting on the six questions above, you might realize:
— You need to have a real conversation about a recurring issue.
— You haven’t been heard the times you’ve brought something up before.
— You need to revisit what alone time looks like for you.
— Your personal wellbeing has taken a hit and that’s affecting everything else.
— All of the above.

Whatever you realize is valid. Things only improve with some kind of action or change — and self-reflection is always the right place to start.

If you have additional questions people can ask themselves in moments of conflict, share them in the comments below!

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If you liked this post, I also recommend checking out my Dating Redefined program in which you can overcome overthinking, reshape unfounded beliefs around relationships, and create a “Personal Dating Framework” to ultimately transform your love life – on your own terms.
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Loving the old; exploring the new,

Imani